This Is Why I Am Fed Up Of Being A Girl Gamer
I think it’s time I share how I feel on the subject of being mistreated within the gaming community. I will probably receive a bit of backlash from this but I feel like it needs to be shared. So just as a heads up, this article may not seem as happy and friendly as my other ones… you’ve been warned!
When I started my blog over a year ago I never could have imagined how it would be received. I’ve met so many new and amazing people and been accepted into the gaming community so quickly that it makes me really happy. This is the part of gaming I absolutely love! Meeting people and feeling like a part of something. However, as with everything, there is also a darker and less happy side to the community I’ve become a part of.
Having to actually write this makes me cringe as it makes me feel like I’m complaining about something stupid and silly, but honestly, I’m not. I simply cannot wrap my head around the thought of female gamers or streamers still having to deal with this.
As I have continued writing and publishing articles my presence on social media as Twitter and Facebook has slowly but steadily grown. And as with all forms of growth you begin to get recognized. Sometimes I’ll watch a new streamer and they’ll already know about my blog or a person I’ve never chatted before will reach out to me and compliment me on my writing. However, with the bigger numbers, I’m also getting noticed for the wrong reasons. Over the past few weeks and months, I never thought I would have to deal with so many personal messages from complete strangers trying their best to flirt with me or get my attention. I’m getting messages that literally just start with “hey you’re cute” or “are you single?”. It’s so degrading being treated as an object rather than a person when it comes to these guys trying to chat me up just because I’m a girl on the internet who plays video games.
Now to some of you, it may sound stupid or silly. You might ask yourself “why is she complaining if she was the one who decided to post her blog posts, talk about video games or share selfies?” or you might even say “well she wanted the attention and now that she has it and it’s not all sunshine and roses she’s complaining”.
But it’s not all that simple. Yes, I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and try and share my passion for video games with the world, and yes for the first time in FOREVER I’m sharing selfies to show my friends and supporters a little bit about my life. However, I shouldn’t have to sit and explain why posting a selfie isn’t the same as opening my inbox to strangers on social media to make a pass at me!
When I started the AzuraCub blog I had a really difficult mission in mind, and that was to change the way people perceive female gamers and how they feel about them within their community, alongside creating a safe space for female gamers.
As I continue on this incredibly difficult journey and have more people reading my work I now feel that we should also be using our time to help address how we as female gamers want to be treated and take a stand against things we really don’t like.
It’s 2020 and gaming is considered to be the leading form of entertainment in the world. I can promise you female gamers are no longer as rare as you might think they are. Some of us choose to hide who we are because it’s safer to hide our gender and sexuality rather than having to deal with people “sliding into our DMs”. It’s safer to do that than being harassed by thirsty texts from guys who think we owe them our time because we posted about something they are also interested in, a picture of ourselves, or simply just existing on the internet. And when we do get the DMs it’s always about how pretty we are or if we are single. Nothing about what we do, share or care about. It’s so frustrating having to go through messages from 5 or 6 different strangers trying to get my number EVERY DAY when all of my male friends don’t have to put up with this nonsense!!
When things like this get exposed everyone is very quick to jump to the female gamers defense when we speak out about how we are being harassed by male gamers on social media. But how many of us actually bother to correct it in a game lobby while it’s happening in real-time? People simply turn their cheek or tell us to ignore it.
But why should we ignore it? This is totally unacceptable behavior and it should not be happening in the first place! We shouldn’t have to ignore it… It should just not be happening at all, its not even an option and I should not have to be writing about this!!
Yes, I do understand that there are some female gamers out there that do certain things to get ahead within the gaming community, but just because they do it and actively thrive off the attention of men doesn’t mean that suddenly that’s what all girls are looking for too. We should not have to be labeled under the same group based on our looks and gender because of the actions of a few.
Some of us are here looking to actively be a part of the gaming community. We’re here because we want to share our passion and love for video games with other people!
In recent weeks I’ve had to turn off my DMs on ALL of my social media accounts because the messages won’t stop. Some people are getting really upset that I don’t want to give out my number and when they send me theirs I actually get nasty messages because I refuse to add them. It actually broke my heart when I found out that the only thing some of these people cared about was the way I looked. Most of the men who have messaged me didn’t even know that I wrote about games, anime, and so on!! They saw a picture of me through someone or something and boom, DM sent.
For me, who is putting my heart and soul into my stories in order to make people laugh and connect with what I do, it can be very discouraging because I’m trying to help gamers connect and create a community where people can feel safe without fear of harassment like this.
I even told a friend that I was considering just stopping writing and closing my social media accounts because I did not want to be just another “girl” gamer to them. I want to help shape the movement for female gamers and help us be recognized as equals when it comes to the gaming world. I want to help educate the part of the gaming community that feels it’s okay to harass and treat female gamers as objects and teach them that it’s not okay to randomly start flirting with someone you don’t know.
It’s incredibly draining having to constantly be nice and never say ‘no’ or stand up for myself because I fear what someone might go and say behind my back when I don’t give them my number. I’m so afraid of a person who doesn’t even care about what I write trying to hurt what I’m attempting to build, just because I refuse to text back, give out my number or send them private pictures of myself.
I honestly hated writing this blog post because I know it will be landing me in hot water, but I’ve been staring at a white screen for days now trying to find the courage to write this and say what’s on my mind…
Please remember I’m not saying all male gamers are bad and I’m not trying to paint everyone with the same brush. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet really nice guys who truly want to be my friend and actually care about my writing and the stories I share. My issue lies with the male gamers who are in our communities, Facebook pages, and Discord servers who are actively searching for girls and sending them unwanted flirty messages, asking them out on dates or harassing female gamers to the point they feel unsafe and degraded online.
I know this can’t be fixed overnight, and I know this won’t be the end of men trying to flirt with me because I am a girl who is online. All I ask is that you help me better the gaming community by taking a stand and helping to protect female gamers from predatory people who would try and take advantage of their kindness.
Lots of Love
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It is indeed a weighty one. We don’t see the backlash you get for sharing things with us, and I appreciate that you share and post despite these things. I would be sad if all this came to and end..
Hi Crums,
Thank you for reading, I have a strong support system I did not know I had so it’s helping with the backlash.
Keeping my head high!
Lots of Love
AzuraCub
The gravity of the particular subject weighs heavily on me. I agree with you. I believe it is your right, to want to be seen as a person of character and not objectified. I fully support you. I believe that you have a fierce outlook that commands respect from your readers and tackles many issues that should (and need to be) formulated topics of discussion within our community.
Can you offer a solution to the circumstance of your post? I understand that being a woman in a many ways has a very narrowed view with regard to some individuals, but those are some (as you have stated) and not all. Your post struck me with a fear that I feel when I think about these women who are suffering through their battles of being silenced and stripped of their dignity. It’s not a fear of repercussion (as I have done nothing to warrant that) but it is my fear of no resolution. There are just no solutions being offered, only ultimatums.
This is a time when guys can’t say anything to women. Women can’t be beautiful anymore, because they view it as unwanted attention. By the majority, men are seen as offensive unless otherwise stated. I don’t think that is fair. If someone is legitimately violating you, point them out and speak on their missteps. Free everyone else from feeling huddled in a collection of individuals they may not share any traits with. We can’t all be made to feel bad about being a guy and liking women. Should men suppress their need to tell a girl how cute she is? Are men supposed to ask permission before complementing someone? Where are we heading if this is the future?
This needs to be an open discussion. While it may be a difficult task to change the entire face of our community, we must plant a seed of positivity and let ideas grow from our fruits of labor. We need to hold people accountable as individuals, not casting a negative shadow over an entire community due to a handful of people who may not have known they were causing you discomfort in the first place.
I would say moving forward, take yourself out of the equation of your art. Don’t post photos if your fear is that you will have “thirsty” guys asking about you and complimenting you. If guys ask for numbers, just block them. No question, no sympathy just block. Take yourself out of the equation. You are always going to have a level of individuals who are going to want to “take their shot” and honestly you can’t fault them for that, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, just subtract yourself from the equation. My last piece of advice, would be post a disclaimer. Tell people off the jump, “I’m not looking for anything, I don’t give out my number, I don’t share personal photos.” If someone after that point, persist to ask you about something, then your conscience is clear in kicking them to the curb.
You are a fantastic artist and I believe that you will come to do great things going forward. I truly hope that you find resolution in your particular instance. I want nothing more than for all of us to get along and be supportive as a community. I believe that if you set your standards clear from the start, those who do cross that line should be held accountable at the instant it is crossed, because you set the standard beforehand. If women set up invisible barriers, how are guys ever supposed to know when we have come to close for comfort?
I wish you all the best,
J
Hi James!
Thanks for the support, I’m glad you stand with me on the issue.
I’m afraid it’s not my place to be the sole person to come up with a solution. However, I do believe that my post shouldn’t be filling people with a sense of fear that they’re doing wrong. It was never my intention to single people out or paint everyone with the same brush and make them feel bad. I think it’s great that some guys (like you) reach out to girl gamers and see us as equals, you treat us with respect and take the time to genuinely become our friend. Like I’ve said in the article I’ve met some really supporting male gamers.
In my own way, I’m trying to educate people that girls everywhere are just so tired of having to deal with what I’m dealing with right now. This is something completely new to me because if I look back at my life without blogging and sharing my gaming experience none of this would have happened, however, now that I’m writing, streaming and just trying to be the best part of me and finally being my weird goofy gamer self I’m being told by male gamers who disagree with me to stop or to hideaway.
There’s a really big divide in how guys treat girls online and how girls treat guys. As far as I’m aware men aren’t having to deal with the level of constant messages that girls are because we don’t hear about it as often and I think its really important that we do.
While I understand your heart is in the right place when you say to take myself out of the equation I don’t think that’s fair when there are so many guy streamers, gamers, and social media personalities who are allowed to share themselves without any fear. The problem runs deep within not only gaming but pretty much every aspect of society across the world and I don’t think it’s fair to say to girls that we have to hide away just because we’re girls.
Moving forward I definitely want to plant the seed of positivity and understanding like you said, but to do that I need the support of people like you to help show others that girls are people too and that just because we exist on the internet doesn’t mean we are entering a space just to be flirted with.
This entire day has been about education for me as I’ve learned a lot and I’m going to use the bad and the good feedback to see if I can make a change.
Lots Of Love
AzuraCub
I never leave comments or get involved cause there is always fighting… You however seem to be open to opinions so I’ll follow up for once and give a opinion.
Firstly let me mention that I am only here because of my girlfriend who linked this to me, she also suffers from the toxic male gaming community (surprise I know).
James here above my comment highlights some good topics to work from
Firstly there is no solution to toxic behaviour online, if there was a solution then they would have implemented it long ago against the war with trolls.
Secondly James is very right in saying its getting out of hand for men as well, we cant walk past a female and give her a compliment because 9/10 times if she doesnt find you attractive then you are a creep to her.
Men are expected to be the first to approach in almost all cases but then women also complain, it feels like there is no pleasing either way.
Thirdly James commented on the pictures you share, to be honest I feel like anyone should be able to post what they want to online, but everyone should be held responsible for what they post.
Stupid example but if you post a picture in under wear or swim suit then you definitely will attract certain men, this is expected so then there shouldnt be any complaints.
Also remember that vast majority of female gamers take selfies (some questionable to say the least) but male gamers seldom do this, I dont know what anyone tries to achieve with selfies and pictures but what I gather its attention seeking, older people took fotos to remember things, people today take fotos to share it hence my opinion.
To wrap up I said there is no solution, none short term, long term its going to be working on ourselves as people and bettering ourselves willing.
Lastly this idea of other men causing problems for females and then it being my responsibility to look after my gender is hilarious, take a wide look and realise that men act how they do because its proven to work.
In the above article there is mention that certain females do like the attention, the chase and the comments.
Those type of females are a lot more forward than the average female gamer and come out in the spot light more, men see this, men realise they can say and act a way to get favorable reactions from the lass he fancied.
Now more different type of female gamers come to light such as yourself Azuracub and this is great!
But again for men, every female that gets into gaming looks at us for a solution regarding other men, but the females from the start trained us to be dogs/pigs.
If women expect men to stand up to each other and their wrong behavior THEN women need to do the same and call out those thots for causing a massive misconception in have to get a lady.
Lets rather talk about the solution, the positive news.
James is 100% correct when he says be straight forward, from the start say NO, dont entertain a man, the first wave of gamer girls allowed and liked the attension.
Men assume this to be true because that was the only test subject if you would.
When you post pictures, make sure its not provocative to the best of your ability.
When you get “hey, you know you’re kinda cute, you dont even look legal age :)”
Then shut that guy down hard, you dont need to be overly nice to keep a subscriber (using twitch as a example) because if you are overly nice and keep that subscriber then he isnt really the person you want to cater for, you want to cater to things regarding gaming and not your body.
“I dont want to be rude but I’ll be blunt, I dont want a relationship with you and I also dont want a fling thing.” short and sweet hits home for men
That’s my perspective and I’m always keen to listen to another persons perspective should they be considerate of mine.
Hi Ruan!
You’re very right in a lot of the points you brought up. I don’t want to repeat everything I just wrote in my other comments but there are definitely a few things I could expand on here
First of all, I’m sorry it sounds like your girlfriend has also had to deal with the toxic side of the community as well. I hope she’s okay!
You mentioned that guys feel as if they’re playing a losing game when it comes to interacting with girls, and I understand where you’re coming from. However, I think the main thing to take away from all this is that while the idea of ‘the guys have to make the first move’ still holds up to a lot of girls idea of how they want a relationship to start, the girl actually has to WANT the relationship, to begin with. I think a big portion of guys don’t quite realize this and just see a girl and land in the DM’s immediately giving them the attention they literally never asked for.
In an ideal world, the two would get to know each other as friends/colleagues/matching on Tinder first call me old fashioned I guess.
I totally agree that people should be accountable for what they post. That’s why I always think my blog posts through before I post them, especially ones like this. In my case, I know the pictures I post are harmless, non-sexualized, and are there either for entertainment or just to start a conversation.
On the subject of accountability, I think it’s also important to extend accountability beyond ourselves. I wouldn’t let this kind of behavior stand if it was a girl doing it to a guy (we don’t hear about girls doing it to guys because they are either too proud or too ashamed to speak up) and I think the same should be done the other way around too. I’m not saying you need to police an entire gender (that would be impossible) but it’s important to take baby steps in the right direction. Don’t leave it entirely up to the girls, just like we should not leave it entirely up to the guys. Together we can all help to make the changes to balance out the divide between how we’re treated.
And like I said before, this is all about learning and seeing where I can help because I do want to take the first step in helping everyone. And from what I’ve seen today I now I’m not going to be alone :)
Lots Of Love
AzuraCub
I can understand what you meant by saying we need to get to know a person before we actually tell them that they’re attractive.
It comes across shollow now that I think about it to just blurt out you are cute.
Guess men have to work on their courting skills.
When it comes to the fotos there is only so much you can do, there is a thing such as sex appeal and some people drip with it, I mean Henry Cavill is living proof.
So in the end some unwanted attension will come your way, is it right of the guy, no, but the world will always have another person to educate.
Men are raised with the idea that sexual conquest is cool and makes you more of a man, which makes you scum to me you nasty ass guys out there ‘-‘ .
So no you wont hear guys complaining, just google “South Park, Ike gets raped by teacher”, its the best example of how retarded male upbringing is.
In conclusion I fully stand with you in saying men need to do more work on there side, I only ask that you spread it among other female gamers that it takes time, thot girls have no shame and gave us the completely wrong set of rules to follow on how to respect women.
Factory reset doesnt exist with men, you need to brain wash us over time to have manners again and I still recommend to be honest and direct with men.