This Is The Story I’ve Been Too Afraid To Tell Until Now
I think it’s maybe time I tell you all a story. A personal story, an experience I had with my first online game. Looking back now it’s probably not that long ago, maybe about 2 and a half years. It all started when I decided I wanted to start playing video games online, meet new people, and experience different cultures and things. I used to work at the airport in Johannesburg so I already knew that meeting new people who were traveling was fun and exciting. I got to see a glimpse of their culture and what made them unique.
I remember when I was younger my parents would often tell me and my sister to avoid the online world as it could be dangerous and was filled with predators (I think every parent said this to their kids at some point). But like any child, at some age, we have to go and experience this new and exciting online world for ourselves. So I did, maybe a lot later than everyone else, but I got there eventually.
On the 7th of August 2017, my life changed forever when I installed Final Fantasy XIV, a massively multiplayer online role-playing game developed and published by Square Enix in 2010. It is the 14th installment of the series and enjoyed by millions of players worldwide every day. But I’m not here to tell you about the history of Final Fantasy, this is a personal story I’ve been terrified of writing ever since I started blogging.
I still recall the first time I logged into the game and ran up the street of New Gridania, how it all took me by complete surprise, how people ran past each other, talking, handing in quests, and just having fun. It was so exciting and new! I was captivated by all the new things, cute little minions, and really pretty outfits and dresses (or glam as they called it).
At first, I thought I was going to have a really hard time in-game since I was unsure if the game could be enjoyed without having friends to play with or not. As it turns out I didn’t have to worry as even though I didn’t have anyone to play within the beginning the game immediately captured my attention and to this day I have 1788 hours on the game, which is a LOT!! Especially when you start taking note that I have been on a few breaks from the game (and the longest break is so far about 9 months).
At some point in the game, they tell you more about joining a Free Company (shortened to FC) and what it’s all about. In short, it’s about finding a guild or a group of people who become your companions and friends that help you through dungeons and how they help you feel less alone throughout the game.
Because this was my first online game EVER, I found myself totally overwhelmed and standing in the middle of New Gridania just shouting the word ‘Free Company’. Someone sent me a tell in-game asking if I was looking for a Free Company or if I wanted to know what it was. After a brief explanation about me looking to join one, I was quickly invited to the one they were in. To keep everyone anonymous, I will not be naming the Free Company name. And so my story started… a story of friendship, trust, and betrayal.
Immediately after I joined, everyone welcomed me. I teleported to the Free Company’s plot to check out the house that they had. A few of the players met me there all trying to be really nice and make me feel welcome. I was overwhelmed by how nice everyone was and how they all tried to help me clear my first dungeon successfully and stress-free since I had a bad experience with it the first time I did a playthrough of it by myself. My hands were shaking trying to keep up as I was the team’s healer, it was terrifying getting into trouble when I accidentally let the tank die. However completing it with my newfound friends was a breeze, they helped me relax and I started to hate doing dungeons and trials a little bit less. As the weeks went by I could remember rushing home after work, walking past my laptop, and switching it on immediately before I even put my handbag down because I was just so excited to log in and play with my new friends! When I sit back and look at it now it’s actually quite easy to see how I ranked up about 1788 hours in the last 3 years (though you can’t really say that when you look at my gear or levels, oops!)
When I joined their discord server everyone kind of assumed I was a guy since it’s not uncommon for guys and girls to play male or female characters. I stupidly corrected the person who kept calling me a dude without knowing what it actually meant. Soon everyone in chat told me to run and hide, making jokes about it and laughing. Someone eventually told me (in a joking manner) that all the guys will be rushing to me since they now know I was a girl. At first, I didn’t believe it and just laughed about it, but in the days to come people actually did give me more attention. Three individuals in particular and one of them was our FC leader.
One evening when I logged in and ported to the FC looking for someone to help me run through my next trial I ran into our Free Company leader who had been on holiday in the time I joined the FC. They were playing as a Miqo’te lady (cat like person) while I was an Au Ra (dragon like characters). Because I was so naive and hadn’t joined voice chat with my new friends I genuinely thought that if you played a girl character you must have been a girl. So when they began chatting to me I completely forgot I needed to do a quest and sat with our FC leader for probably 2 or 3 hours just talking. It was nice to have someone take interest in what I did and who took the time to get to know me. It was only a few days later that I found out that he was actually a guy (so was the person who originally recruited me! I thought they were a girl too because they played a female character!!) I was shocked and somewhat heartbroken because in our small town not many girls played games, so I guess in a way I was looking to be normal and not the only girl who played video games.
After getting over my initial shock of realizing that not every female character I met was a girl, I began to get to know a lot of the people in the FC. After speaking to everyone nearly every day I started making real friends, 3 in particular. One which was our FC leader, who always offered to help me do things. If I had a question he was the one who answered it. If I wanted to play hide and seek with everyone he made it happen or pushed my request to the top. The other two individuals were always looking out for me like older siblings and making sure I was not easily overwhelmed because I would often tell them how great the game was and how I have never experienced anything like it before. As friends, I could see that they really cared for me and I found myself caring for them. I really was enjoying myself more and more in the game.
It all started changing when I started playing more with the FC leader. At first, since I tried to stay on his good side so I wouldn’t get kicked from the Free Company. I would do everything I could so as not to upset him and looking back at this that should have been my first warning sign. However, I was naive and soon we became a package deal. In everything, we did whether I was at the right level or not. Soon feelings of excitement and joy turned into feelings that could not be explained.
For a while, at least it went well, it was nice and I never expected to like someone I met through an online game. It was all butterflies at first but like any love story, if I can call it that, we have to have a little drama. It soon started going downhill when I started making more male friends and when I wanted to go on missions with them or when I would join voice chat when our FC leader was not present. He would get very angry telling me that I was only his. Telling others that they could not play with me or help me, offering others money to marry me ingame. And what did I do? I laughed it off since he was the FC leader and I did not want to be kicked or to say goodbye to the people I had learned so much about and really started to care for.
I started confiding in my two friends as at that time they were the FC’s helpers and second in command. To some extent, they sympathized but they could not do much for me since I did not want to do something that would cause drama. At some point, things started taking a really dark turn and I started confiding in someone else which ended up making things worse, and I started getting threatened with my life.
Things like how he was going to kidnap me, how he was going to have his way with me and how he was going to poison me and I would die slowly, nobody would hear me scream. Things like this set me on constant alert, I left the FC hoping the abuse would stop after that, blocking him on everything. At first, I was safe. I refused to leave the server since I had really close friends on it. I started my own Free Company and promised to make it better, to never allow what happened to me happen to others because what he did was wrong and nobody should feel threatened by anyone else. I think I was safe for a week before his alt account found me and started messaging me all over again. Me having feelings for him, in the beginning, didn’t help since he still probably feels like I let it happen and used him. It’s a hard pill to swallow and it’s something I feel guilty for and punish myself for every day.
He kept following me, sending me messages, and I tried to ignore it. But being constantly told that I destroyed his life as I was the girl of his dreams and how I was ‘the one’ for him broke my heart. I started questioning myself and if I was a bad person. Was I a coward for running? Am I weak?
At some point, I left the game for 6 months or so and when I returned I changed my name, I was excited for a new start until he found me again within the first few days. I was scared since he used a new account and played his mind tricks again. He used another alt account toying with me saying things like “Good to see you are back, haven’t seen you in a while”. I was stupid to think I was safe since my Free Company was in my name and I was the FC leader (even with my changed name) I was naive thinking he could not find me.
I tried my best to ignore it all, but I could only take so much so I confronted him. After allowing him to actually state his opinion and throw all of his feelings and hurt at me I thought we could move past it. We couldn’t and I ended up leaving the game…… I still haven’t returned to Final Fantasy and it’s been well over a year now. I have a lot of fears of him showing up again and I don’t want to put the happy memories I have of the game at risk.
Sometimes it’s better to walk away. I still feel bad for how things turned out, but I don’t regret standing up for myself and saying no. This has been something I’ve wanted to share for such a long time, I’m unsure as to why I wanted to share it but I felt like it was holding me back from moving on. Closing a chapter I refuse to revisit, but I think it’s time. I sometimes wonder if it’s because I’m a girl and then I remember that it’s not, I’ve seen guys go through the same thing just like girls. However, it still does not make it okay for others to treat us like we are objects they think can be bought or controlled by fear.
Despite all this, I still did manage to make some really good lifelong friends with members of the Free Company who helped me through everything. After having started my own FC back then I got to learn a great deal and make even more friends. Friends, I will cherish forever and people I will hold dear in my heart. Playing this game with friends made it all the more worth it, I laughed a lot and the good times are something I’ll remember forever.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should surround yourself with the people that make you happy and who will support you through the difficult times ahead. I can’t say that you will find light at the end of the tunnel but I can tell you that it will make you stronger and will help you stand by others who might be going through it as well.
Lots of Love
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WOW, this was quite a read. I’m sorry you had to go through something like that.
Man, that sucks, have been in some clans where a few people went through that as well, but whenever you hear it, the story is always crazy but when I ask the person who got booted or left, they tell a complete different story I usually leave cause I don’t deal with toxic people very well honestly, but you did good standing your ground, just sad that you had to leave a game you really enjoyed cause of someone’s ego, hope you found another game to delve into and enjoy.
Hi Strider ^^)
Thank you, yes I feel sad that I haven’t returned to my other friends however someday I will. It’s best to try and remove yourself from toxic people since it becomes harder the longer you stay. Can’t really say that I found another game yet but I’m sure I will with time :)
Lots of Love
AzuraCub
It saddens me to hear what happened to you and how you were treated. I was kinda scared to be in an FC for a time as well and made some nice friends…even eventually found a few locals in the same server as me. I try most of the time to make sure everyone is okay and well adjusted and that we help each other wherever possible. I mentored at least 2 for he beginning of their adventures. I wouldn’t ever tolerate such behavior. I am a girl and play as a Rava Viera. I am sorry to hear how you were treated. The game is really fun and I am at the latest expansion and I would love for others to experience the beauty of the game as I have without being harassed or stalked, or afraid of what could happen to them.
Hey DDigibun,
I’m glad you are showing the new players the ropes of the game, it really helps greatly if you have someone who helps you from the start and they already feel like they are apart of a home. Things like this happen I guess all around the world, I just wish more people would speak out so we cant try and fix this. Nobody should have to fear someone in a game, it’s a horrible only feeling and I’m just really lucky I had good people looking out for me and helped me because from what I understand a lot of people who face this go through it alone.
Thank you for reading ♥
Lots of Love
AzuraCub
It saddens me to hear what happened to you and how you were treated. I was kinda scared to be in an FC for a time as well and made some nice friends…even eventually found a few locals in the same server as me. I try most of the time to make sure everyone is okay and well adjusted and that we help each other wherever possible. I mentored at least 2 for the beginning of their adventures. I wouldn’t ever tolerate such behavior. I am a girl and play as a Rava Viera. I am sorry to hear how you were treated. The game is really fun and I am at the latest expansion and I would love for others to experience the beauty of the game as I have without being harassed or stalked, or afraid of what could happen to them.
You are stronger than you think. Don’t let small people ruin big moments for you. Rejoin and concur!
Eks trots op jou
Dear Azura Cub,
Firstly, I want to say thank you for sharing that piece with us. I could never imagine the trials that a girl has to go through to be respected in any form of gaming. I to enjoy the game FF XIV for a bit but for different reasons I stepped away. I don’t think that MMO’s in themselves are bad, but I think the level in which some people emerse themselves is extremely unhealthy. Can we find love in strange places? Of course, but also I think there is the caveat of the anonymity factor online. When people aren’t “face to face” with you, they are emboldened to say things they normally wouldn’t say if they were standing right in front of you. Using a guild or an FC as an ultimatum to a relationship is damaging to say the least. I know you didn’t say he said that, but in your mind, if you didn’t satiate his needs as a person, you feared being ousted. It sounds like to me, he had this all figured out in his head how this could potentially go, but wasn’t mature enough to handle the reality of life’s most general occurrences. Say if you were face to face, would you only be allowed to go to work in an all women establishment? Would you not be able to have any male counterparts in life? That is beyond ignorant thinking, and I am proud that you stood enough of your ground to release yourself from his stupidity. I still hold out hope that I can find an MMO that I don’t have to play the “popularity” or “male or female” game. To be honest, the whole point of my first character in FF XIV being female was because for the reason you said; I knew I needed help, and guys are ready to help females out more than guys. I never used voice chat, so I never compromised my role in the game. With that said, continue being strong, and thanks for showing us the great lesson in life.
Hello James,
It’s been a while, how are you doing?
Truthfully I sometimes think back to what things would have been like if I stayed and kept quiet, it’s a really scary thought and I shudder to think what might have happened if I did not leave. However, I think my friends would have stepped and that kind of makes me feel better because they really did help me through it all.
I do think FFXIV allows everyone to escape the harsh reality of the world but it does not mean someone can treat others with less compassion. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned and I really hope I can help someone else someday or prevent that this ever happens to more people.
I really do hope you find that MMO soon and if you do please let me know so I can also check it out ^-^)
Lots of Love
AzuraCub